Of the Artist Way
This week I’ve found myself a little happier than usual. Which I won’t complain about being happy. However, I’m still not liking the morning pages. I clearly see how they help. Because I believe that’s why my mood is up. I say this because the morning pages allow me to express how I feel about situations. It allows me to write it all down, the good and the ugly. But I feel like it takes me too long to write them. And I found that a lot of the time I don’t have three pages worth of thoughts to write. But somehow I’ve to still fill all three pages.
I have learned this week just how much I hold in. I rarely ever voice how I really feel. I believe this to be a coping mechanism. As a child I was never really allowed to say how I felt. I was taught that talking back to them wasn’t allowed. They seen that as a negative thing. Which later led me to just stand there, get screamed at and go to my room until they told me to come out. I feel on a deeper level that my feelings don’t matter. As long as whoever got theirs out, that’s what matters. I have no choice but to sit back and take it. Then later process my own feelings by myself.
So, naturally this week after noticing this, I started voicing how I feel. Which I regret. But I only regret it because everything I say comes out in anger. So, looks like I have a lot to learn. I don’t want to treat others the way I’ve been treated.
Going back to anger. I’ve noticed how much my boundaries have been tested this week too. I know that it was stated in the Artist Way that I would start to notice how much my boundaries would be pushed. And guess what? That made me even more angry. So, in the morning pages I wrote down why and what exactly triggers that anger. So, I’m getting better. But it’s still a process. I’m also learning how to nicely tell my loved ones that I can’t do what their asking of me. Yes, it’s made them mad and uncomfortable. But it’s also made me uncomfortable too to finally voice my boundaries for once.
However, as I’m starting to get passed this anger, my urges to create are becoming more frequent. I don’t want to jinx it. Because I’m loving this side of me. I’m happier, I feel less stressed and less tensed. But my love for drawing is slowly coming back to me. I didn’t realize how much I missed that part of me. I even have more…